*heads up: this blog is long, and hardly any detail is spared, read at your own risk ;)
I'm sure most of you know by now, but last Wednesday (the 8th) while I was at work I started to bleed. My wonderful "motherly" coworkers sent me home immediately to rest and get a call in to my OB. At first it was very light, but as the evening progressed, so did the bleeding. My doctor said it is normal in early pregnancy, but if it got to be a lot and with cramping to go to the ER. On Thursday morning the nurse at my work gave me a sono to confirm there was no heartbeat. She measured a 6wk baby, so it was obvious since 3 weeks ago she measured a 5 1/2 week baby with a heartbeat. On my way home I text Chris to let him know (even though Wednesday evening we were pretty sure, but still hung to a small piece of hope), and he was immediately on his way home. So many thanks to his boss, Jim... Chris doesn't have any time that he can take off except vacation which you have to schedule in advance, (it's basically like a prison/grade school out there: you can't leave, and if you do, you get infractions, and so many infractions will get you in big trouble). But when he went and explained the situation to his boss, Jim immediately said "go home". So Thursday consisted of letting family and friends know (through texting), and numerous phone calls to my doctor (actually her nurse), which I will vent about in a bit :) Thursday night was the hardest for me inbetween 1-2am. Everything was quiet, no distractions, and plenty of time for my mind (and heart) to really grasp the concept that my baby was dead. I asked my sister-in-law (Megan) who miscarried a year and a half ago if she felt like there was a huge red stamp on her forehead that says "failure" and "miscarried", and she confirmed that my feelings were completely natural. I know in my head that there was nothing that I could have done differently to change the outcome, and I think that has been a huge factor in me handling this loss relatively well. But still, I feel as though I will always have a scarlet letter...
A quick intermission about a nurse with no compassion: I called my doctor on Thursday to let her know what the sono at work had shown, so she tells me to go to the ER and have my blood drawn, then have them fax the results to her, then come into the office Friday and have blood drawn again (to make sure my hormone levels were going down). Well I have no idea, so I ask Megan if that's what she had to do, and she said "absolutely not". I did think it was weird that the nurse told me to go to the ER, but I've never experienced this so what did I know? So by about the 3rd phone call to the nurse she finally said "well you can come into the office here and have your blood drawn". Well gee thanks, because right now I don't really feel like sitting in the ER for 3 hours... Bad experience #1. On Friday, I called the doctor again asking if they could just do a D&C and get it over with. The nurse told me no since they had to compare my blood levels, but to go to Wesley and have a sonogram there, and have those results faxed to the office. So when I went to get my blood drawn, and I asked to speak to the nurse. I asked her if this sono was going to speed up the process, and she basically said "Well it's just to ease your mind", "So it's basically pointless because you won't do anything until Monday?" "Yeah". It's a good thing I wasn't thinking too clearly, cause I thought of a LOT of things to tell her after I had left... None of them nice. Bad experience #2. Enough said about the nurse.
Saturday evening: Chris went to go play hockey at 7:30, about 8pm the bleeding started to get pretty heavy, Chris had a feeling he should quit early, so I get a call about 9pm saying he's on his way home. I tell him that we should probably go to the ER since the doctor said to (and the PA from my work suggested the same thing). We arrive at Wesley around 10pm, and what a blessing, my other sister-in-law, Jessica is a nurse there, and she had just gotten off work an hour earlier, but her and my brother came back to the hospital and hung out with us for a while. It was nice to have someone there that knew what was going on :) They did a pelvic, drew blood, did a sono which confirmed that I had passed almost everything, so in a way it was good that everything happened naturally. We (I) were (was) discharged at 2:30am, and headed home to a soft pillow, warm bed, and my dogs :) The bleeding and cramps had gone down significantly at that time, so I knew the worst was over. The ER told me to go ahead and keep my doctor's appointment on Monday (which was suppose to be my initial OB visit). So yesterday, Chris met me there, and we met the doctor finally. It's unfortunate that her nurse and I didn't see eye to eye, because I liked the doctor. But doctor/nurse is a combo, and I can't really have one without the other, so I'll more than likely be changing doctors next time around. She did apologize for the way the nurse handled everything, so that was a little bit of redemption. I had more bloodwork and she did an exam to check things out. Everything was fine, and she said it's best to wait at least one cycle to start trying again, but if it happens before, then there's nothing to worry about. Today, I got a call today from the nurse saying my blood levels have dropped to 900 (from 7500 and 6700 Thursday and Friday), which is a good indicator that everything has completely passed. Physically and emotionally I think I am doing quite well. I feel exausted when I wake up, but I think it's just my hormones going crazy :) My personality is that of, I found out, I grieved, and now I'm ready to move on. Not in a harsh, cold-hearted way, but this part of my life is over, I'm not going to dwell in it. I'm going to grow and move on.
So that was our Easter weekend. We did go to dinner with Chris' parents Saturday evening, then to my parent's house Sunday afternoon and had family time :) I couldn't ask for a better family (immediate and extended :)
I can't thank you enough for all the prayers that you have flooded our way. I know that is a big part of the reason that we have handled this so well. We couldn't ask for better friends either :)