Not The Sharpest Tool in the Shed

I kid you not, this is word for word a phone call I got yesterday… I feel like I’m pretty sensitive on the phone, especially the nature of where I work (STD testing), but some people just really irk me. Case in point:

Caller: “So how do you test for all that and stuff?”
Me: “It’s a pelvic exam”
“What does that mean?”
“Have you ever had a PAP?”
”What’s a PAP?”
”A PAP Smear”
“Well I might have but it was a long time ago. Do I have to, like, open my legs, and stuff?”
“Um, yes, they’ll swab you”
"Swab? Like inside me?"
"Yes"
“Like how far do they go in?”
"I’m not exactly sure”
“Well can I talk to someone who knows what they do, ‘cause I’m a patient and I have the right to know” (I’m dead serious, she said that)
“Ma’am, I know what they do” (I wanted to say “let me go interrupt the doctor and ask her how many inches precisely she sticks the swab in you, give or take a ¼ inch” Seriously.)
“Well I just want to know what they do”
“Ma’am (I have to say ma’am for fear of calling her something else) I’m trying to explain it to you… Yes you’ll have to spread your legs, and they take a swab of your inside” (feeling like I’m talking to a 2nd grader, how else do you explain that?? I thought I was being pretty self explanatory)

So that was the bulk of the first call. She calls back in a matter of minutes

“So is it okay if I have food and water before the test?” (we’re doing a pelvic here woman, not a colonoscopy)
“Yes that’s fine”
“Okay, yeah, so if heaven forbid something does come back positive, how does that work?”
“We have some medicine here, and if we don’t have it, the doctor will write you a prescription”
“Okay, well I have SRS insurance, if I take it to them, will they pay for it?” (She really thinks I’m suppose to know if her insurance pays for a certain Rx?)
“I’m not sure, that would be a question for your insurance provider”

For this reason, I'm petitioning to put a sound proof room here at the office so my coworkers and I can let off steam conveniently :)